So we went to my hometown in WI, my Dad & brother still live in the same county. Waushara County boasts on it's website that it is completely rural, not one town with over 2500 population...in fact the entire county population is less than 25,000. That's 37 people for each one of it's 2000 square miles.(They also boast 96 lakes, miles of streams, and when residents learn I live in Minnesota, they tend to scoff and say it's the land of 10,000 ditch ponds, referred to as lakes).
The big town, is Wautoma, the county seat. That's where my husband, sister, niece and I were staying in a hotel. The first morning my husband googled "Coffee" + Wautoma, WI and found an address for a coffee shop. When DH and DS arrived at the destination, there was no coffee shop. They cruised up and down main street, and around the town searching fruitlessly for a coffee shop amongst the bars & other businesses. Frustrated, they came back to the hotel and asked the desk clerk where there was a coffee shop....She gave them a puzzled look and explained that they could get coffee at a restaurant with their breakfast or the gas station/convenience store.
They wound up with convenience store coffee. Later, when DH was telling my father about their morning adventures, my father looked at DH and said "You mean one of those places where you get them, whaddaya callits...LATTES?" "I drink my coffee black and get it at the restaurant with my eggs."
My poor DH could only think to respond that he takes his coffee black too.
After mulling it over, DH and I discussed it and decided that it's just not reasonable to expect a man who is sitting in his local bar at 9am on a Friday, drinking $.50 beers to be willing to pay $2.00 for a cup of really good coffee. *Dad is retired and his morning routine includes opening the bar with his friend, Mike, the bartender.

Not enough

Depression sneaks in like a thief through the night. Just want to sleep…escape…curl up into a ball under the covers or under my desk. Doesn’t much matter which, just somewhere where I don’t have to think, see, hear or do anything. Close my eyes and shut it all out, let my own dreams take me into nightmares where, terror-struck, at least I will feel alive. It is not supposed to be this hard…hard is okay…hard is good, but this…this feels impossible, hopeless, helpless…drowning in a sea self-pity and self-loathing. If only I was good enough…strong enough… smart enough…something enough…

I am not enough …I have never been. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I ever do it right or not do it, right? Doing is wrong, not doing is wrong, being frozen with indecision and panic is wrong. Panic, not anxiety, anxiety is a measly thing. This thing that keeps trying to crawl up my throat is much too powerful for that. I choke on the panic, fighting to keep it in, keep it down…because if I let it out, I just don’t know what will happen. I WILL run screaming away, I will break things and throw things and SCREAM at the top of my lungs, scream until my throat is as raw and as sore as the places inside me.

It is all just too much, much too much and I am simply, yet again, not enough.

Going out of town for the weekend to a baby shower in Chicago. Spending Friday and Saturday nights at Lisa's house, it's about halfway. The thing is...I don't know that I really WANT to go to this baby shower, it's for a fairly distant cousin. It's been years since I spent time with these relatives, though we were close when I was young. I think part of why I decided to go was to prove something - but not sure if it's to me or to them, and not sure why I care what they think.
The cousin having the baby is my 2nd cousin. Her father is my 1st cousin once removed. Pete is only about 3 years older than I am and growing up I was close to his family. His mom (my Great-Aunt) is my daughter's godmother and Pete is godfather to one of my son's. Except for a handful of funerals, the last time I saw Pete was for my nearly 21-year old son's baptism.
I guess in part I am going because another of my 2nd cousins is getting married in Sept, and I am trying to decide if I want to go to the wedding...this is a testing of the waters.
There have been some misconceptions about my life, due to the fact that my mother lies like a rug. They all seem to believe that my husband has been abusive toward me and my daughter. I know that it bothers my husband, so I am going to go and see how bad it is, I guess.

I am feeling a little like my life is in chaos right now. Why do I do this to myself? Commit & over commit. I am taking weekend college classes (Managerial Accounting every other Saturday afternoon, through the end of March, followed by Business Law every other Saturday morning April-June). I work full-time in a thankfully not-too stressful job in the Career Development office of a women's college.
Monday next, I have to work a little late and then attend a student/alum dinner. I have a baby shower in Chicago next weekend, leaving Friday, back Sunday. The next Monday night I have a volunteer training session with Twin Cities Habitat for Humanity. Toward the end of the month I am going to central WI for 3 days to see my baby sister for what amounts to the first time in 3 years, plus squeeze in time with my bestest girlfriend from junior high/high school, and make it back in time for my final exam and presentation for that accounting class. My youngest child heads back to school in MI right after that. I am going to miss having him around to send on errands, like taking the cats to the vet, taxi-ing his sister around and run to the grocery store. *Not to mention the fact that he really is a delightful young man, whom I love dearly (though not as the others might claim, more than the rest of my family).
Somewhere along the line, I have to squeeze in time to spend with the teen mom that I mentor, meet a girlfriend for dinner, catch up & get those #!@&*^% Girl Scout Cookies, and, Oh, HEY, here's a thought: spend some time with the man that I love and show him that even though I set myself a frenetic schedule, he is still my #1 .
In April, my daughter turns 26 - TWENTY SIX! Sometime I'll tell you more about her and the joys and stresses of trying to balance being her mother and conservator.
In May, my oldest son graduates from Luther College and turns 22. Hope and pray and cross my fingers and think happy thoughts and *any other suggestions* that he lands a job!
I committed to planning a large scale summer event for Habitat homeowners this summer and my 25th high school reunion will be this summer as well. Plus, I would really LOVE to start taking my dance classes again. Hmmm...does it sound like I am out of breath yet?
Really can't imagine why anyone would want to read about this, but...there it is!