Crazy Cat Ladies

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hoping to find wisdom in the upcoming weeks!

A great lady who has provided plenty of wisdom to me is getting ready to move on and re-join her husband and other loved ones. I am concerned because as much as I love and admire Bernice, my heart is breaking more for my husband (her grandson) and all of the others who loved her even longer than I.

When I first met Bernice she had been married for over 50 years!  Imagine that...Mike and I are coming up on 23 years this August.  Over the years her wit and wisdom have been a crucial part of the woman I grew up to be (I was 19 when I married her grandson, so she has been part of my life for more than half of my life!).

The stories I have heard of her keen wit (hanging used teabags up to dry and convincing my beloved father-in-law that this was a common cost-saving measure), blend with my own stories of her.  I like to tell newlyweds and soon-to-be weds, that she gave me the best advice I never followed.  Bernice told me not to complain about my spouse to my parents, because while I may eventually forgive him his flaws and faults, my parents would  never be able to do the same.

We lost George too many years ago...spring of 1992, but along with Mick and Jan, George and Bernice gave me my first true understanding of family values. 

In some ways, it seems silly to grieve for Bernice.  She has lived over 94 years, seen her children, grandchildren and even great-grandchildren born and some have grown up.  Her oldest great-grandson graduated from Luther College with honors this spring (cum laude! - and I honestly believe Bernice would understand the mother's urge to brag even under the current circumstances).  Bernice has lived a long, full life and from what I have seen she has embraced it fully and is now ready to move on to the next stage.  But, oh, my what we will lose...what my children will lose, by not knowing her in her prime

Even if I  had never known George and Bernice, I would have known what wonderful people they were by their children (Jeanette & David) and their grandchildren (Michael, Jennifer and Kathleen).   The evidence of their influence has permeated my life through my husband and in-laws.

And so, I pray for the strength and wisdom (which I generally am sorely lacking in!), to help comfort those in need over the next weeks and months.  How difficult it is to lose a matriarch, even, no, especially one who has been failing over the last few years. 

God Bless you Bernice!  May your the end of your journey be an easy one!

Theresa Comer
"The mind is like a parachute, it works best when open"

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Mother's Day weekend, heartbreak and other fiascos

The title may be a little misleading...Mother's Day weekend was not a fiasco.  I had a fabulous girls day out at the Canon Falls Winery.  KC (designated driver for the way back), Deb (KC's mom), Steph and I had a blast.  Well, at least I did, hope they did too!
Mother's Day was beautiful weather-wise and we woke up to find that our very pregnant Kuno had finally had her litter of kittens (still trying to determine if there are 8 or 9, but know for sure there are 5 orange/orange & whites & 3 dark - either black or tortise). We had a great visit with my mother-in-law and Darryl.  I have been very blessed in that area.  I heard from all of my beautiful children and my husband cooked a fabulous dinner.
Yesterday, I spent the day breaking my own heart.  Funny, when I was younger, I would have said that only a romantic interest could break your heart.  Since then I have had my heart broken by too many other people and things. Sometimes the heartbreaks were not meant that way...they just happened. The death of my father-in-law, tough decisions that I made as a parent, tough decisions that I made as a daughter, other tough decisions I have had to make, the worst of which turned out to be mistakes I made that hurt people I loved.
Yesterday, it was a tough decision and the necessary actions to carry out that decision that was breaking my heart. The story (no matter how etched it is in my heart) is still not mine to tell.  This was not supposed to be my responsibility,  I shouldered it and I need to learn to live with that - rather than blaming others for putting it on me.
It could be years before I find out the aftermath of my decision...what happens next is out of my hands and out of my control.  I may never know if it turned out to be the right decision, if I could have made a different decision that would turn things a different way.  I hope and pray that the troubled young woman walking around with a piece of my heart finds her way.  Not for the sake of me and my heart, but for her, because she needs to know that "She is good enough, she is smart enough and gosh darn it, people like her"!*
Part of the plan yesterday required me to drive to Watertown, WI and back.  It was there that my car was dented by an elderly woman - not a lot of damage, but enough, especially when the car is a 2009 purchased just under a year ago.  It was a particular fiasco, because I could see she was going to do it (I was sitting in the car in a parking lot at the time) but had no way to prevent it.  The woman was attempted to pull into an angled parking spot from the wrong direction and connected with the driver's side door and front quarter panel.  It's a good thing she wasn't going very fast, even so it's disconcerting to have someone drive into you while you watch.
I took the day off work today to recover from the long drive yesterday and deal with the car.  Unfortunately, by early afternoon I was suffering from an intestinal issue and wound up mostly dealing with a coma-like sleep or the bathroom.  Oh, well *
*I am not a big fan Stuart Smalley (though he has made me smile on occasion) or Mr. Franken, and I used to make fun of the "affirmation" when he was on SNL.  Since then, however, that particular mantra has found a special place in my journey.

Theresa Comer
"The mind is like a parachute, it works best when open"

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burning bridges

I recently have had a couple of conversations about people burning their bridges.  It's made me think and wonder...have I burnt my bridges with anyone?  When and why?  How?
I can actually think of a couple of people who might say that I had done just that.  An early employer that I let down badly when I was young and foolish...a "friend" or two whose loss are not a particular tragedy.  Maybe some others.  All of the instances I could think of occurred well before I hit 30 years of age, most in my early 20s or teens.
I can think of a couple of times when I had the opportunity to burn bridges and cause ill will since I have turned 30.  Each time I decided it was not worth the negative energy and bad karma.  I took the time and made an effort to mend the rift and leave the relationship on congenial terms.
I tried to think of people who had burned all of their bridges with me, maybe I am just too much of a sap...there are a few, very few and I guess it depends on how you define it too.  I can't think of anyone whom I couldn't either be polite to or just ignore if the need arose (as long as they returned the courtesy of either being polite back or ignoring me altogether).  There is a small group of people who I can honestly say I would never trust and would never shed any tears over, but I don't actively wish them ill.
It's never been a secret that my own mother is one of the people who falls into category of people I would never trust and do not miss having as an active part of my life.  There was a point at wish I may have even wished her ill (who am I trying to kid, I know there was), but time has passed and while there is no regret, there are no longer hard feelings on my side, just a resigned knowledge that this is the way things are and will always be.
Maybe anyone under a certain age should be given a free pass, so that their bridges remain in tact until they have reached the age of understanding and can make the choice from a point of experience and understanding to burn a bridge or try to mend it?

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Blind Side

I didn't want to see the movie...really, not my style.  Watched it tonight, anyway.  It actually is an awesome movie and story.
And I just can't help myself...I REALLY like Sandra Bullock.  Unlike so many other stars, she SEEMS so real.  Maybe that is just part of being a fabulous actress or maybe she has some other quality that transcends the screen.  Sorry, I am just not smart enough to figure it out.
Anyway, in the past week or so I saw more new (to me) movies than usual: Bounty Hunter, enjoyed it. Nightmare on Elm Street, okay, I am just not a horror movie fan any longer.  Shutter Island, enjoyed it, but it was intrinsically disturbing.  Blind Side, wow, blown away by how much I enjoyed it. 
Absolutely WOULD not watch "Lovely Bones"...I read the book and while it is REALLY good, I can go to the same place emotionally without the help of fiction. *Kind of how I felt about "The Deep End of the Ocean".
I am on the fence about "New Moon"...I have read all of the Twilight books, they make great fantasy but the relationship(s) are SO unhealthy and since they are targeted at a young audience that bothers me.  I prefer to stick to adult authors portraying unhealthy relationships!

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When I was younger

I had a fascination with the macabre. I read "horror stories" and true stories of people who had been abused, watched horror films and was fascinated by serial killers and sociopaths, and day-dreamed about being an orphan, stranded on a desert island or a survivor of the "apocalypse"...in whatever form it took.  I lost myself in the world of books: fiction and nonfiction, horror, fantasy and romantic.  Anything that took me away from my own reality.
I needed to know that the things that had happened in my life were not the worst things that could happen and found a strange reassurance in the horrors that others created.  *And lest ye be deceiving yourself...most romance stories begin with something horrible happening to the heroine, from which she is then rescued....
As my life has progressed, I have often relied upon books to shore me up.  Books on parenting, spirituality, disabilities, parenting children with disabilities, gifted children, healing, dieting, fitness...even books on running have been part of my reading list. 
One of my friends posted her FB status as: "[W]e are changed by what we read. Close that book, and you are not the same person anymore. Because of what you just read, your worldview--your understanding, your compassion for others, your ability to engage intelligently with others--has expanded a little. Books help us grow…. --Pat Williams". 
I am hardly in a position to disagree.

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42...is not the answer

to the Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything!  Okay, well, maybe it is, but then for sure the question has nothing to do with the age by which I have attained wisdom, found peace or anything of that sort.
Last night and this morning I was thinking about SO many things to blog on...while I was showering, driving, etc. How years of therapy and learning lessons lived has changed who I am and my life philosophy, such as it is.
When is enough, enough, already? When can you tell someone is a favor just TOO big? When is it okay to say, "what you are asking of me has become too hard, too much"?  And how do you do that and still let the person know that they are important to you and you wish you could do more?
How do you tell someone who is struggling with major issues that they are not the center of the universe in a kind and loving way? I have mostly figured out how to be compassionate and how to be firm, but not quite how to be both at once.
Why don't more people find balance between holding on to and creating drama and pain in their lives and "go along to get along" until they are feeling like a doormat to the world.  (Funny thing is a lot of people won't recognize where they are on the spectrum).
How can someone getting 8 hrs of sleep a night feel so absolutely exhausted all day?  Well, at least all I have to do tomorrow is pick a topic and expound upon it!

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My life

I have mentioned things in my life are hectic.  I haven't mentioned much of the source of the new stress...it's not my story to tell.  I have pulled back as much as possible on outside commitments (volunteer stuff) and am trying to find time to take care of myself and the others involved.

Sometimes I feel a little resentful, as this is not necessarily MY problem/stress.  My VDH (VERY DEAR Husband) and I are taking on added responsibilities for extended family.  I have to be very grateful to an understanding director who allows me to work from home and have a little bit of flexibility in my schedule (which is truly great of her considering our office is only open 8-4:30 and client service is the largest part of our job).

I am reminding myself how grateful I am to all of the people who "payed it forward" to me in my youth and am praying for the wisdom and guidance help pay back that responsibility.

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and still more excuses...

Lots of stuff going on in my life right now.  My dear middle son (DMS) is moving out of the house.  It makes me cry, because he made the decision based on decisions I made (did you follow that?). So I feel like I am forcing him out.  I know he will do fine, and he has his gf to look after him. I find I'll miss having her around almost as much as him.
My dear youngest son (DYS) called me with promising news about a co-op/job for his next term off school, which is good.  This term is going to be harder than last, because he doesn't have a Thanksgiving break.  Given the doings around here, I don't expect we'll be able to get to Flint to visit him, so won't see him until it's time for him to transition from school to work.  Depending on the location of the co-op/job, we may not get to see him then either. 
Haven't heard from the (DES) eldest in a few weeks but that is not unusual. He typically calls only when he needs to convey information, needs something or wants to talk to Dad about the latest sport news. If he calls for me, I'll be expecting it to be job news or something he needs (even if it's just information).  Well, maybe he'll call to say Happy Mother's Day if someone reminds him! ;->
DD (dear daughter) is presenting her own set of complications, seems like she always acts up most when I have the most stress!  And I must remember it's getting to be close to the time of year for the annual status report to be submitted to remain her conservator.  Man, oh, man, this "empty nest" thing isn't turning out at all as expected.

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excuses, excuses

"I used to tell people I wanted to be a writer.  They asked me if I write everyday, and I said, "no".  Then they told me that meant I didn't really want to be a writer...I just liked the IDEA of being a writer."
I suppose I shouldn't put that in quotes, because technically it's the best I can paraphrase and not a precise quote.  A friend reminded me of that story on Wednesday and mulling it over it seems to me it is just another way of  saying "Writers write" or "Do or do not.  There is no try."
Things have not been business as usual in my life for the past few days, and so I "forgot" to write.  I suspect a real writer might suggest that is like saying "I forgot to breathe."  My writing skills have become very rusty and I can come up a bouquet of excuses for not writing every day.  It makes me a little mad at myself and a little sad, when I think back to how I used to be.  I used to be a writer and right now I like the idea of being a writer again. Even if I don't post to the blog everyday, I could at least write everyday, I have paper and writing utensils and there is something uniquely satisfying about writing on paper as opposed to composing online. I wonder if I can get to be a writer again?

Theresa Comer
"The mind is like a parachute, it works best when open"

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Write EVERY day

Geez, some days there just isn't too much to say.  Got up, went to work, today was the MN Education Job Fair.  It was a mixed kind of day of catching up with old friends & colleagues, chatting with recruiters and watching soon-to-be graduating students and alum deal with the challenges of the current job market with varying degrees of optimism, desperation and confidence.  About 17% of the students registered (from my school) did not show up.  Considering they paid $15 to register it never fails to amaze me.  I didn't see that happening at the schools around me...most had a couple of no shows, but they also had people registering at the door.
The internet connection worked POORLY and kept dropping the connection, so I wasn't able to get the work & research done that I had hoped during the slower times. Soooooo very frustrating...cuz that meant I didn't get to check Facebook either!  The inhumanity!  Ah well, I am taking tomorrow morning off of work to take my sister to the airport and take care of stuff.  I just hate to say goodbye to the brat!

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week 3 - still smoke free

Not enough sleep last night, but had a fun day showing my baby sister the Cannon Falls Winery and some of my favorite wines.  Did the full tasting and brought a couple of bottles home to enjoy.
DH cooked swordfish, tuna, asparagus, yukon gold potatoes (roasted with herbs and cloves of garlic) for dinner - YUMM-O! *And still surprising healthy.  Wish I didn't have to work tomorrow, but am hoping to make it a short(ish) day and will probably wind up being off on Tuesday - morning for sure, to take my sis back to the airport.  
She's been making noises about moving back up to the area within the next few years - I sure hope so!

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Untitled

I have been trying to figure out a topic for my blog. Watching Julie and Julia last night made me want to refocus on the blog (though I don't have any aspirations of having a movie made about me - UGH, I wouldn't want the whole world to look at my life through any kind of lens, too much ugliness and too many warts I wouldn't want exposed).
My struggles with weight loss? Doubt I could compete with the hungrygirl.
My goal to run my first 5k?  I blew it last year. Am committed to trying again this year, but if my stress levels get high enough and I start packing the pounds back on who knows.
The empty nest? I don't have anything profound to say and the nest doesn't seem to ever get all the  way empty!
Maybe I should just ramble aimlessly everyday until I hit upon something.  After all, if I really wanna be a writer, what I have to do is write.  How many times have I heard it "A writer, writes."  A writer doesn't necessarily get published.
I became a nonsmoker on March 28.   I've quit smoking before. Once for a whole year, so this time I decided not to quit, I decided to start being a nonsmoker, instead.  Nonsmokers don't buy cigarettes on a whim or in response to stress! This will be tested with my sister, the life long smoker*, here this weekend. So I could check in about that the next couple of days.  Then we can see what comes after!
*Really, the girl was caught smoking in a hayloft at 5, I started smoking at 14 and she started smoking in front of my mom then...she was 10 at the time.

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So we went to my hometown in WI, my Dad & brother still live in the same county. Waushara County boasts on it's website that it is completely rural, not one town with over 2500 population...in fact the entire county population is less than 25,000. That's 37 people for each one of it's 2000 square miles.(They also boast 96 lakes, miles of streams, and when residents learn I live in Minnesota, they tend to scoff and say it's the land of 10,000 ditch ponds, referred to as lakes).
The big town, is Wautoma, the county seat. That's where my husband, sister, niece and I were staying in a hotel. The first morning my husband googled "Coffee" + Wautoma, WI and found an address for a coffee shop. When DH and DS arrived at the destination, there was no coffee shop. They cruised up and down main street, and around the town searching fruitlessly for a coffee shop amongst the bars & other businesses. Frustrated, they came back to the hotel and asked the desk clerk where there was a coffee shop....She gave them a puzzled look and explained that they could get coffee at a restaurant with their breakfast or the gas station/convenience store.
They wound up with convenience store coffee. Later, when DH was telling my father about their morning adventures, my father looked at DH and said "You mean one of those places where you get them, whaddaya callits...LATTES?" "I drink my coffee black and get it at the restaurant with my eggs."
My poor DH could only think to respond that he takes his coffee black too.
After mulling it over, DH and I discussed it and decided that it's just not reasonable to expect a man who is sitting in his local bar at 9am on a Friday, drinking $.50 beers to be willing to pay $2.00 for a cup of really good coffee. *Dad is retired and his morning routine includes opening the bar with his friend, Mike, the bartender.

Not enough

Depression sneaks in like a thief through the night. Just want to sleep…escape…curl up into a ball under the covers or under my desk. Doesn’t much matter which, just somewhere where I don’t have to think, see, hear or do anything. Close my eyes and shut it all out, let my own dreams take me into nightmares where, terror-struck, at least I will feel alive. It is not supposed to be this hard…hard is okay…hard is good, but this…this feels impossible, hopeless, helpless…drowning in a sea self-pity and self-loathing. If only I was good enough…strong enough… smart enough…something enough…

I am not enough …I have never been. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I ever do it right or not do it, right? Doing is wrong, not doing is wrong, being frozen with indecision and panic is wrong. Panic, not anxiety, anxiety is a measly thing. This thing that keeps trying to crawl up my throat is much too powerful for that. I choke on the panic, fighting to keep it in, keep it down…because if I let it out, I just don’t know what will happen. I WILL run screaming away, I will break things and throw things and SCREAM at the top of my lungs, scream until my throat is as raw and as sore as the places inside me.

It is all just too much, much too much and I am simply, yet again, not enough.

Going out of town for the weekend to a baby shower in Chicago. Spending Friday and Saturday nights at Lisa's house, it's about halfway. The thing is...I don't know that I really WANT to go to this baby shower, it's for a fairly distant cousin. It's been years since I spent time with these relatives, though we were close when I was young. I think part of why I decided to go was to prove something - but not sure if it's to me or to them, and not sure why I care what they think.
The cousin having the baby is my 2nd cousin. Her father is my 1st cousin once removed. Pete is only about 3 years older than I am and growing up I was close to his family. His mom (my Great-Aunt) is my daughter's godmother and Pete is godfather to one of my son's. Except for a handful of funerals, the last time I saw Pete was for my nearly 21-year old son's baptism.
I guess in part I am going because another of my 2nd cousins is getting married in Sept, and I am trying to decide if I want to go to the wedding...this is a testing of the waters.
There have been some misconceptions about my life, due to the fact that my mother lies like a rug. They all seem to believe that my husband has been abusive toward me and my daughter. I know that it bothers my husband, so I am going to go and see how bad it is, I guess.

I am feeling a little like my life is in chaos right now. Why do I do this to myself? Commit & over commit. I am taking weekend college classes (Managerial Accounting every other Saturday afternoon, through the end of March, followed by Business Law every other Saturday morning April-June). I work full-time in a thankfully not-too stressful job in the Career Development office of a women's college.
Monday next, I have to work a little late and then attend a student/alum dinner. I have a baby shower in Chicago next weekend, leaving Friday, back Sunday. The next Monday night I have a volunteer training session with Twin Cities Habitat for Humanity. Toward the end of the month I am going to central WI for 3 days to see my baby sister for what amounts to the first time in 3 years, plus squeeze in time with my bestest girlfriend from junior high/high school, and make it back in time for my final exam and presentation for that accounting class. My youngest child heads back to school in MI right after that. I am going to miss having him around to send on errands, like taking the cats to the vet, taxi-ing his sister around and run to the grocery store. *Not to mention the fact that he really is a delightful young man, whom I love dearly (though not as the others might claim, more than the rest of my family).
Somewhere along the line, I have to squeeze in time to spend with the teen mom that I mentor, meet a girlfriend for dinner, catch up & get those #!@&*^% Girl Scout Cookies, and, Oh, HEY, here's a thought: spend some time with the man that I love and show him that even though I set myself a frenetic schedule, he is still my #1 .
In April, my daughter turns 26 - TWENTY SIX! Sometime I'll tell you more about her and the joys and stresses of trying to balance being her mother and conservator.
In May, my oldest son graduates from Luther College and turns 22. Hope and pray and cross my fingers and think happy thoughts and *any other suggestions* that he lands a job!
I committed to planning a large scale summer event for Habitat homeowners this summer and my 25th high school reunion will be this summer as well. Plus, I would really LOVE to start taking my dance classes again. Hmmm...does it sound like I am out of breath yet?
Really can't imagine why anyone would want to read about this, but...there it is!

So I created this blog after attending a memoir writing workshop....and promptly did nothing with it!
I am 42. I am in the process of the emptying of my nest (children ages 25, 21, 20 & 19). I am happily married for over 22 years. I am busy trying to figure out what I am, now that I am grown up.
I have friends my age who have preschool age children and other friends my age who have grandchildren (and at least one friend who has both)!
Two of my four children have traveled overseas (one of them twice), while I have never left the U.S. and can count all of the states I have visited without using up my fingers.
I used to be a writer, if by writer you mean someone who writes, not someone who gets paid to write. Writing was something I was told I was good at and I was passionate about. Mostly, like many avid readers, I was passionate about it. I wanted to be the next Laura Ingalls Wilder, Anne Frank (without the dying young) or Erma Bombeck. I wanted to be Mr. Bradford (Eight is Enough) and write a column for a newspaper.
I kept a diary from the age of 10 until 20 when it became more of a journal, slowly trickling off to writing less and less often until about 10 years ago when, I pretty much stopped writing altogether. I was too busy, used computers too much and sometimes I don't wonder if the anti-depressants that allow me to function weren't also muse killers, because it's about the same time I really "stabilized" on my meds.
Well, that's probably a good enough introduction for now...lets see if I manage to write again before the next month.

Content [kon-tent] for your life: Bourbon Croissant Pudding

Content [kon-tent] for your life: Bourbon Croissant Pudding: "Bourbon Croissant Pudding"